Complete Confessional.

Unconditional love. Foolproof love. Aching love. The kind of love you can feel deep in your bones. Love. The media feeds us the kind of love that doesn’t seem possible but every day we wish we can achieve it. The movie moment type of love. This is my confessional. Everything written down as it happened and how I felt.
Love has always been a future I couldn’t quite grasp. I sit on the sidelines as the man I long for goes after someone else. Sometimes he doesn’t even notice me as a love interest. I can say so much about my love for movies. I can get so influenced by the type of love portrayed on the big screen, or the screen of my iPad. Every moment either aches your heart, or sends it soaring. I believe that if a man doesn’t give me those movie moments then he is not the right one. I have been told I don’t thinking realistically. But I am never thinking realistically. I want the head over heels love. Well, actually, heels over head love. I want him to turn my whole world upside down because the only way I can be head over heels is when he is with me.
I thought I finally got my heels over head, head over heels type of guy. His name was Hunter and he was like no other guy I have ever met in my life. He was caring, sweet, and the first time we kissed I felt that movie moment. I felt the butterflies. When I saw him my stomach fluttered and I was smitten. He had a troubled past with drugs, a no good for him girlfriend, and family problems. But all of this didn’t kill the butterflies. It wasn’t going to scare me away from him. Even with all his flaws and baggage, he was the only one I wanted to be with. He was all I could ever think about. His imperfections were perfect.
We became closer and closer. Spoke every minute of every day. The best parts of my day was when he would text me song lyrics from country love songs. Who doesn’t love getting messages like that? He made me feel like someone finally cared about me. Being a junior in high school and never experiencing any kind of love was hard. I looked around me and everyone had someone. Couples were everywhere and they seemed to be more noticeable when you don’t have someone of your own. But this was finally it. I was going to have my someone and I could not keep in my excitement and giddy feeling Hunter gave me every single day. Our feelings were undeniable. Saying goodbye to him after each night we were together took hours. We just held each other or passionately kissed because we just could not think about leaving one another. Thinking someone cared about me that much always kept a smile on my lips.
Then the day finally came. This was it. After a butterfly filled kiss, Hunter asked me to be his girlfriend. My first boyfriend. And it was with someone I believed could be a big part of my life one day, if he wasn’t already. Of course I said yes. He was perfect. I could not have picked anyone else to be my first boyfriend.
But of course these wonderful moments had to end sometime. I just did not expect it to be so soon. Days went by and I heard nothing from Hunter after he asked me to be his girlfriend. What was I doing wrong? Was he regretting his decision? Did he not feel the same about me anymore? A week went by. Nothing. Finally I get a text during my photography class.
“I can’t do this.”
This might not be his exact words but they are close. He didn’t not want to be in a relationship.
What relationship? We had nothing that resembled a relationship at all within that week period. It was nothing. It was me texting him and not getting a response.
I was heartbroken. Of course I am going to look at all my flaws after that and think, ‘What’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t he want me? What did I do wrong? Why can’t I ever get anyone to want me?’ These questions replayed and replayed and replayed in my mind. I went back into my shell. I shut myself off from people, including Hunter. I was hurt and I didn’t understand.
Of course he said the whole, “it’s not you, it’s me,” line. Because he has a past does not make it okay to say that. Or any of it.
So that was just the beginning of our relationship. It only gets more crazy, time consuming, heart aching, exciting, and difficult as time passes.
For three years we talked on and off. During those three long years we went through fights and magical moments. Including more disappointment. One night we had a plan to hangout. He texted me he was on his way to my house. Hours past and he never came. No response to my text messages or phone calls. He never showed up. He never showed up! On top of that, I didn’t hear from him for a month.
Things like that happened a lot with Hunter. He would randomly stop talking to me with no explanation and I wouldn’t hear from him for weeks or maybe months. I got the same excuse every time. He would say he was sorry and that he was just going through something. “Something” being the operative word in this explanation. He would never tell what this “something” was. And I was left in the dark, again. We both have problems with our feelings. For three years we played ring around the rosy with each other. We would get really close again but once one of us felt that undeniable spark that could lead to love, we ran away from it. We ran away from the spark. We never worked out. The pieces never fell into place even if the puzzle fit perfectly. There were always those few pieces we had in backwards.
Finally, during the summer of 2014, I thought the pieces had come together. I decided that I was ready for something more. I really cared about Hunter and I wanted everyone to be special. I knew I was ready to lose my virginity to him. And like I imagined, it was a moment I will never forget or regret. He completely washed over my body and my senses went wild. I couldn’t get enough of him, and we definitely could not keep our hands off each other. Something just clicked with us that I could not get out of my head. I never wanted to be away from him.
I had been with my best friend, Madi, as she went through a rough time. She was in love and I was with her every step of the way. Hearing her talk about her feelings and the incredible love she could not escape really got me thinking. Do I love Hunter? I felt like I really could. Madi influenced me to tell him and I thought it was the right thing to do. After a long drive to Sedgwick from Wichita, I ended up in front of his house in a sexy dress and cowboy boots. I knew he couldn’t resist a girl in cowboy boots. Secretly, Madi was hiding in the backseat of my car listening to every stuttering word that came out of my mouth. I could not do this alone so of course, being the magnificent friend she was, she came with me and hid out of sight.
Plus, she owed me. When she knew she was ready to tell her man she was still in love with him I accompanied her. Accompanied as in hid in the backseat for moral support. So she did the same for me.
So, here I was. Standing in front of this wonderful, good looking, and brilliant man trying to tell him my heart was on fire for him. I paced back and forth while jabbering about whatever minuscule word that came into my mind. I was just delaying the inevitable so I just said it. More like blurted it out, but I said it.
“I’m in love with you Hunter.”
After moments of silence, and a very surprised face from Hunter, I awaited a response. Unfortunately, it was not what I had hoped for.
“I love you, I’m just not IN love with you.”
It tore me up inside. Yet he hugged me like everything was okay. He wanted to act like everything I said had never happened. But it was said. You can’t just go back from saying that like everything is okay. I drove away sad and disappointed.
Here is the thing… I might have had some tears after he told me he wasn’t in love with me, but they were not real. They were forced. I thought that had been a moment where they would be appropriate. A moment where I should be so sad I would cry. But it wasn’t. I wasn’t sad enough to cry. What did that mean? Yeah I was sad about it, but why wasn’t I sad enough to cry?
Madi and I went back to my house, sat on the roof, ate crappy food and listened to sappy music. We just talked about life and about these two guys who didn’t reciprocate our love. While we moan and groaned about the male population I was texting Hunter. I knew him. When feelings like love started to happen he runs away. I knew he would. He would get afraid and run away. I straight up asked him if he would. He said, “honestly, I probably will.” Of course! Why was this a big surprise? Hunter running away from his feelings, again.
I started to tear up next to Madi, but there was something about the tears that were like the ones earlier that night. They were forced. I felt like I should want to cry about this, but I couldn’t. I felt for some reason I had to put on a show for Madi, or maybe myself. I had to cry. This was a big deal. I need to cry. I couldn’t. I was empty. I had no emotion about it. It was what it was and I wasn’t going to cry about it.
However, I still wanted him to regret what he chose to do. I wanted him to want me, badly. I researched at 2am bad ass things to do the next day to make me feel alive, and to make him incredibly impressed and regretful.
I woke up at 7am that day, got dressed, and went to the gun range. I got a private lesson and shot a beautiful, sleek, 9mm pistol. I felt the power in my hands. I felt the adrenaline roll down my spine and down into my toes. I have shot guns before but today, everything felt different. Next I trained with a professional MMA fighter. I workout and sparred with him. It was exhilarating. After that I took a bow and arrow lesson. Yes, I felt like a bad ass. Job well done. I posted pictures and Hunter liked them all. High fiver.
A week later he asked to be friends with benefits. Of course he came back to me. We are familiar. Practically everything I know is him. I said yes, no hesitation. It wasn’t because I was nothing without him. It was because while I was off being a bad ass by myself I realized something. I still didn’t feel that incredible fire in my heart like I thought I did. I was mistaken. I was in love with the idea of being in love with him. I realized it was far from being the same thing. I was wrong about everything.
This time it was different. Hunter and I started messing around and spending more time with each other but I was no longer trying to impress him. I wasn’t wanting a relationship with him anymore. It was only about the sex, and boy… The sex was good.
We were better than we have ever been before. Everything was easier. We had more fun and I was actually acting like myself. I wasn’t trying to make him love me. I wasn’t trying to make him think I was perfect. I wasn’t trying. Period. Just being friends with benefits was easier for us. It was better.
I got into the Disney College Program and was leaving in August. I was seeing Hunter for the last time before I left for sunny Orlando, Florida. We had some beers on the bridge that was pretty much our go to spot to hang out at. We had sex on the back of his truck and then drove back to the house. I was acting so crazy, weird, and loud. Just being me. A slightly inebriated me, but definitely more me than I ever had been with him. We had so much fun. Then Hunter said something to me that had always stuck in my mind.
“Where has this girl been the whole time, because I’m falling in love with her.”
I’m just thinking… Seriously!?
This is the last day I’m going to see you before I move thousands of miles away! Why would you say that? Are you kidding me?
But I guess it is my fault for not being completely myself around him, he never knew the real me until that night. At least I know he can fall in love with the real me.
The morning we said goodbye was… I can’t explain. Something had changed in him. He seemed heart broken. He seemed like he didn’t want to let me go. He gave me an old baseball with a novel written on it about how amazing I was. It was signed with the words, “I will always love you.”
I moved to Florida but I still heard from Hunter every day. The snap chat videos I got each day made my heart smile. He was always telling me how much he missed me and hoped that I was having a good time. He seemed like he was finally trying. Actually trying to be there for me. But the distance made it hard. He started to get more distant. The worst part was, he started to get cold towards me. We got into more fights and it began to get too hard. Every one says long distance never works out. One night he calls me a bitch and that was just the last straw. He had never said anything like that to me and I just couldn’t do it any more. I don’t fully remember if there was anything else that made us stop talking but I didn’t hear from him for three months.
A new guy came into my life. His name was Zach and he lived in my apartment complex. He was a good guy. We started having sex. I thought I really started to like him. We hung out every day and I developed feelings for him. One night I told him but once again, the feelings weren’t mutual. But, I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t upset that I wasn’t going to have him as a boyfriend or anything more than friends with benefits. I didn’t cry. I didn’t get depressed. There was nothing. We stopped talking and that was that. I really started to think. I was looking for feelings in all the wrong places. None of these guys were doing it for me. I had no feelings. No emotions. I was upset yet another guy couldn’t love me. Wouldn’t love me. But the fact was I couldn’t love them either. Not even close.
Was it because I was still hung up on Hunter? Or was it because I wasn’t looking for love? Or was it that I just have not had the right moment yet to make me believe in love.
After being rejected by Zach, I went back to something familiar. I couldn’t help it. I texted Hunter. I said I was sorry for whatever happened to us before and that I hoped we were still okay. We went back to what we have always done. I didn’t really hear from him except the occasional “Hey, I miss you.” He rarely texted me back and when he did the conversations were extremely short.
A lot was going on in my life. I had been in a car accident and ever since then everything started to go wrong. When I say everything, I mean everything. I was losing friends. I was missing auditions. I was missing buses. I was breaking out all over my face, chest, and back, which has never happened to me before. I was getting sick with colds. The stress was taking a toll on my liver and it was killing me. I started to hate being at my workplace. I missed home. I missed seeing my best friend Madi, and I missed Hunter. I wanted to leave so badly. I was a hair away to self terming from the Disney College Program. I was depressed. I never ate. I never left my room. I just shut myself in and away from the world feeling sorry for myself. I made a spur of the moment decision to buy a plane ticket back to Kansas. Maybe it would help me get out of my funk. Plus I would get to spend time with Hunter, and I just really needed to get away and refresh.
Going home was perfect. I felt so much better. My mother is my life and being with her again helped me relax, and there was nothing better than seeing Madi again. She knows exactly what to do and say to make me feel better. The hard part was Hunter, being Hunter. We would make plans and then I wouldn’t get a text back from him. He kept disappointing me. I ended up frustrated each night. I had a limited amount of time I was going to be in Kansas and he was wasting precious time.
The very last night I was in town I got to see him. Everything went well. He was the sweet, kind, and handsome man I remembered. We just talked the whole night. I told him I was attending the same college he was attending in the fall. He seemed excited. To me, he seemed like he actually wanted to be with me when we went to school together. I thought to myself, ‘Things are really going to change. They will be different this time, for the better.’
We didn’t have sex, which to me makes me think that there is probably more there than just an attraction. As much as I would have wanted him to devour me, it was better this way. He didn’t even kiss me until I told him too. And once he did it felt right again. Even though both of our lips were cold from the frigid Kansas air, I still felt the spark. I left with his scent still lingering on my clothes.
Going back home, all I could think about was Hunter. But things didn’t change like I thought they would. I still barley heard from him. Nothing really. Why does our relationship have to be the same every time? Why am I the only one trying every time? That is how I felt. Like he was never trying. He never made any grand gestures or moves to win my heart over. He was never fully committed to making sure he had me all to himself. No one ever has. No one has ever told me he loved me. No one has ever taken me on a real date with hopes to something real in the future. No one has shown how much they really cared about me. No one.
I stopped trying to get in touch with Hunter so much. Subtracting my texts or calls to once a week maybe. If he wasn’t going to try then why should I waste my time trying to pine for something that probably doesn’t exist. Instead, I started writing him letters. I wrote six letters for him, and each of them gathered dust in my bottom drawer, never being sent. I wrote about what happened during my day. I wrote about anything interesting or horrible that happened to me. But I always wrote about how I felt. I have always been this shy girl who could never express how she actually felt about someone. I would always keep it inside and be too scared to tell that person how I really felt. I didn’t completely say what I had been feeling but I wrote down a lot more than I would have said in person.
Then one day I saw he was tweeting this gorgeous, bombshell blonde on Twitter. Tweets that said “ur beautiful,” and “call me, I don’t think you are getting my texts.” She was beautiful. I was jealous. I knew it was more than friendship. She had tweeted, “fuck texting, I want you here now!” And surprise, surprise… Hunter had favorited it. They were definitely more than friends. I was so upset. Why would he act like he really wanted to be with me and then go off with someone else?
But I couldn’t get mad. We were thousands of miles away from each other. I couldn’t ask him to wait for me. That would be a bitchy move on my part. Still, I wish he didn’t broadcast it to the world. Most of all, me. The very last letter I wrote to him was about how I saw his new, jaw dropping blonde.
After that I tweeted, “I have written you so many letters that I never sent.” Social networks can be a bitch. He caught me subtweeting him and replied. He told me to mail them to him. It isn’t that easy! These letters could either make us better than we ever have been before, or make him run away for good and I will never hear from him again. But I did it. He took forever to go get them. He had seemed so excited to get the letters and said he was going to write me back, but he did not make a very big effort to go get them. I still barley spoke to him on the phone or over text. He was still extremely distant.
Here is where it starts to get complicated and difficult. May I introduce a man named Chris. A gorgeous, fun, and kind man from South Africa. Chris is my neighbor. He is an incredible guy and also, a very unavailable guy. He was engaged. Yes, engaged. Didn’t stop me for spending as much time as possible with him. His apartment was the party apartment. Some of the best nights I have ever had were in that apartment. I took a liking to him and his roommates. They were so incredibly sweet to me. I always felt welcome in their apartment and it made my day anytime I saw one of their faces. But I always hoped I would run into Chris. I never fully admitted it but I had a crush. A big one. We always joked around and flirted but I never though he was being completely serious. I mean, he was engaged! He already found someone, so why would he want me? Yet, I kept trying to impress him. Dressing to the nines whenever I knew I was going to see him.
One night I went to a party at his apartment. It was insane. The fun kind of insane. He bet me I wouldn’t give him my bra. Well he thought wrong. I told it off there on the spot and gave it to him. He wore it around showing off his trophy, being the fun guy he is. Turns out I had locked myself out of my apartment and no one was home. I ended up sleeping at his place, but not on the couch. I slept with Chris in his bed. He held me in his arms and even in my inebriated state, I felt incredibly safe. I felt so happy being in his arms, smelling his cologne, and my fingers intertwined in his. We had a hard time falling asleep, at least I did. His sweetheart roommate, Andres, had a snore that sounded like a drowning lion. It was so loud and I could not stop laughing. It had to be one of the best nights I had during my program. I was so happy. He seemed like he really did care about me.
That must have worn off because soon he told me he was angry at me. He was upset I was posting about him on social networks. I was so incredibly confused. I hadn’t been posting about him except for the occasional group pictures I took with him and his roommates during a party. He said that he didn’t like being mentioned on other peoples pages, even though I saw people do it all the time and he didn’t get mad at them. I just didn’t understand. But I wanted to respect his wishes because I cared about him a lot. He was one of my closest friends at Disney and I didn’t want to lose him. That was far from the last thing I wanted to do. He made me so happy and loved. I didn’t want something silly like internet confusion to come between us. But I guess it was a little bit more than that. I cannot tell you how many times I apologized to him because I just wanted us to be alright. But it just didn’t take. He wouldn’t speak to me. It broke my heart. One of my best friends didn’t want to speak to me and I just didn’t understand. I didn’t want to make him any more upset so I respected his space. A few months past without any word from him. I stopped spending all of my nights at his apartment. I barley spoke to his roommates except for the occasional hello and kiss on the cheek. It made me incredibly sad that I lost these important people. I adapted and spent my nights with my new best friend, Netflix. Netflix never let me down and could always relax with me in bed after a long day, or spend the whole day with me in bed.
This gap of time I hadn’t spoken to Chris is when all the events of my depression, Zach, and Hunter happened. After I saw Hunter and the blonde on Twitter, I ran into Chris outside my apartment. He actually said hi to me and we talked. He told me he had broken up with his fiancé, and that he just couldn’t do it anymore. Too much drama. I acted like I didn’t care but inside I was doing the happy dance.
I started hanging out with Chris, going over to his apartment, and drinking a little. I was so thankful I had him back in my life again. He made me happy. He always was good at protecting me. It is why I felt so safe around him all the time. The feelings started coming back. A little at a time at first, and then it was a wave. Butterflies destroyed the lining of my stomach whenever I saw his face, or saw his name on my phone. Why was he so amazing? And it’s not just the accent.
I had said before that I had never been on a date, sad but true, and each time he said he would take me. I never knew if he was completely serious or not. We always joked around together. Whenever he says to me, “Nice bum, where you from?” And I say, “Malibu, wana screw?” It always puts an outrageous smile on my face. We would always say it to each other. It was even better whenever he would say, “Anytime,” after my response. But like I said, I never knew if he was serious or not with these flirtations.
I decided I was tired of waiting around for him to ask me out. So I asked him. I volumized my hair, plumped my lips, and pushed up my breasts and went to his apartment hoping for the word yes. It is unlike me to ask a guy out. Again, I am incredibly shy.
The night before we had a conversation over a cigarette. He made me realize that moments are fleeting. I needed to say how I felt or I may never get the chance. I needed to stop being this sad, shy girl who shut herself in her room everyday because she was scared to face the world. He made me want to experience it. He made me want to take chances. He made me realize I shouldn’t be afraid anymore.
“Would you want to go on a date with me?”
There. I said it. No turning back. Ignoring my shaking hands and the butterflies slicing up my stomach, I said it. And he said yes. I was beyond happy. I went back into my apartment all giddy and jumping up and down on my bed. I hadn’t been this excited over a guy in a very long time. He texted me moments later. He knows me and how shy I can be so he was surprised by my question. “But your so beautiful, how could I say no.”
Oh my goodness. Him calling me beautiful made me giggle like a little girl. I was starting to hear words (well, technically read them off my phone) that I had never imagined I would ever hear (or see) from him. I was so happy.
I hadn’t been thinking much of Hunter lately. I had given that a rest. After the intense talk I had with Chris about moments and not being afraid something in my mind sort of clicked. Was Hunter really what I wanted? Or was he just familiar? It didn’t matter because all I was thinking about was Chris.
Soon he invited me back over to watch a movie with him. I changing into something more comfortable, revolumized my hair and added a splash of my sexy Versace perfume. We curled up together on his bed and watched Captain America. Honestly, I didn’t care what we watched, as long as I was with him. He made me happy. Yes, I have said that several times but it is true. I am so happy when I am around him. Then he kissed me. I never knew I could get even more happy than what I had been feeling, but I did. It was a heart racing kiss. I just couldn’t believe I was finally kissing him. I had been smitten over him for so long and now he was kissing me. Me! Then it started to get more hot and his hands traveled all over me. It was exhilarating. Shivers went up and down my spine and all I wanted was him, in that moment. But I couldn’t. I didn’t want to be that girl. I didn’t want to just have sex with him, no matter how much I wanted to. But when he moaned my name, it echoed in my head. It still rattles around in my mind.
The movie finished but it turns out something else was just starting. That would be his roommate, Dominique, with a girl in the living room. Yes, we could hear the sex noises. How lovely. That’s alright, it’s not like I wanted to leave Chris’s room anyway. We fell asleep and all through the night I was awoken by him pulling me closer, and I didn’t mind. I didn’t mind at all.
It became morning and he had to get ready for work. Let me tell you, there is almost nothing sexier than watching a man get ready. He stood half naked in front of the mirror shaving and then putting on cologne. He just looked so hot. It was the second hottest thing I have ever witnessed. I didn’t know something like that could be incredibly attractive, but I couldn’t stop staring.
Saying goodbye for the day was saddening but his hugs were addictive. I just hoped there was still a faint fragrance of Versace on my neck to linger in his nose all day.
Tuesday came and I was looking good. I had my plaid Forever 21 skirt on, a revealing button up and knee socks. I felt sexy and all I wanted to do was show it off to Chris. I saw him that night. It was a nice, relaxing night just chilling with him and Don. Of course, it isn’t an actual night with Chris without an in depth conversation. Things got deep. Deeper than they have ever gotten with him. Not in a good way.
He isn’t one to talk about his feelings or his past, but he really opened up to me. I am glad he felt comfortable enough to open up as much as he did with me but what he said broke me up inside.
He stared off into space while talking, stuck with the images and words in his mind. Not moving through what had him stuck in the past. “Butterflies are just butterflies,” he says. The way he spoke, he was still incredibly about his ex-fiancé. But of course he was, the breakup was recent. I held back tears, choking on the knot in my throat while I listened to his voice in monotone. He told me he had broke down earlier and was crying. He could hear me outside his window and he was shut up in his room crying. That ripped up my insides. It hurt me that he was in pain. It hurt me that he didn’t come to me to help his pain. It killed me that he was hurting. Then something killed me even more
“You should give Hunter another chance.”
What?
My stomach dropped. I could have pooped it out it dropped so far.
“It’s complicated,” I said to him.
I just sat there trying not to cry while listening to him talk, but all I could think was, ‘I’ll never have him.’ And it hurt. It hurt real bad. I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say.
That’s a lie. I knew exactly what to say.
I just wanted to yell at him, “It’s complicated because I’m crazy about you! I have been since the first time I saw you!”
And I still remember that day like it was yesterday. It was the second day I had moved into Vista Way. I just met my roommate, Autumn, and we all planned to go to Downtown Disney. We walked out of our apartment and the boys of apartment 3103 were sitting outside. Chris was sitting in the chair closest to us and he wasn’t wearing a shirt. He welcomed us to the apartments and introduced everyone. As Autumn, Erika, and I walked away I turned and said to them, “I call the shirtless one.” Little did I know what was in store for me.
“It’s complicated because you complicate it. You being in pain from Katie makes me in pain. You don’t have to be alone through anything. I don’t want you to feel hurt to the point you cry. I want to help you through everything. I want to be there for you. I don’t know where I stand with Hunter but right now all I can think of is you. Why can’t you notice that I am right in front of you and I wouldn’t want to hurt you.”
But none of that came out of my mouth. I just sat there in silence and nodded whenever he asked if he was making sense.
He went back inside and I took a deep breath and followed him in, but I couldn’t stay. I was about to explode in tears. I had to leave. Immediately after shutting his door I burst into tears and sit on the floor outside my apartment. I just broke. Tears streamed down my face like faucets and I couldn’t stop. Chris came outside and caught me crying. I was even more embarrassed because I knew I wouldn’t be able to tell him why I was crying. He hugged me and went on his way.
I go inside and fall into my bed. My sheets become soaked with my tears. I could not stop crying. Why couldn’t I stop? I must have built up all this pain inside and that night I released it all. Even though I let all the tears out it didn’t take away the pain I still had. I just thought about how I had never cried like this because of Hunter in a long time. But Chris, he gave me these feelings that I couldn’t escape, it made me cry. What am I supposed to say now? I tried telling Chris he wasn’t alone and that I was always here for him… But nothing.
And here I am, eating dinner alone in this loud restaurant on a Thursday night waiting on a text or phone call that may never come.
I am full of confusing feelings. I don’t know what to do or what to say or what to feel. I don’t know if I want to be with Hunter. At least not right now. Not like that is an option. I am here. He is there. But Chris is here, and he made me feel things I hadn’t felt with Hunter in a very long time.
So now I await my answer. Awaiting my ending. I’m stuck here not hearing anything from either Hunter nor Chris. I’m back to where I started. All I know is I don’t want to be alone right now.
I guess I will be. It’s not too bad being alone. I was for 19 years. What’s another day?
I’ll just be alone.
For now.

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