We are just lazy cowards, Experience tomorrow with me.

People always say tomorrow is never promised to us. They say we should always take risks, live in the moment, and never waste a minute because we could die tomorrow. Then why are we so lazy? Why don’t we take chances? Why don’t we say what we want to say? Why don’t we express how we feel the second it fills our hearts? It is because we are all scared, insecure and lazy human beings. Even me. I hold in my emotions. I bottle it all up and keep to myself because I am a coward. But I know I am not the only one. I see those people who sit there, alone, with their headphones in, not saying a word. I guarantee you their minds are racing with thoughts at that very moment. Showing emotion does not make a person weak. Breaking down and crying does not make a person weak. Nor does expressing one’s feelings. Doing these things takes courage. It takes a strong person to express themselves. A coward keeps everything inside. Let me tell you, all those girls you hook up with will not make that hole in your life fill up. It will not make the pain go away. After each fuck you will still feel empty. That hole will still be there no matter how many girls you go through. So then why do you do it? Why do you continue to take the emotionless ride if you know you will still feel empty?
Emptiness. The inevitable feeling after losing what you knew was love. Believing in love leads to inevitable heartbreak. Emptiness. Emptiness that carves out your insides that hurts so much you would do anything to make the pain go away. I get it. Pain is hard. You were hurt. She hurt you. But going those girls is not going to make the emptiness or pain stop.
You played me because of that pain. At first I was angry. I was upset with myself for being crazy about you. Angry that while I slept next to you I knew you were dreaming of her.
Yet another love story gone wrong. Now I see you with other girls. I know you are trying to make the pain go away. The pain she gave you. You are a coward. A coward for pushing away this pain. For pushing away me.
The future. It is never promised, yet everyday I abuse the luxury of being alive. I shut myself up in my room under the comfort and warmth of my duvet. But have you ever heard of anything amazing coming from comfort? Nothing new and exciting comes from your comfort zone. Nothing. I am a coward. I am afraid of the world even though I dream of exploration. I drew of the world while I am shut up in my comfort zone. Yet I never do anything about it. I am a coward. Afraid of the pain I might receive if I experience the world. Afraid of the risks and chance I need to take in order to live. This fluffy duvet is not helping the emptiness I have inside me. I may be alive, but I am not living. Only dreaming.
I never told him how I feel. I never took the risk. I was afraid of never speaking to him again. Well, looks like I while I waited for him, I lost him. With him I finally felt like I was not just taking advantage of life. I lived. I experienced. I felt things I had not felt with any other man. It was short lived but it made a large impact on me. I had him for two days. Two days exactly. Too few. Now I must act like I do not care. I do not care. Him? Him who?
He drew me in only to push me away. Pushing me away makes me want to live. Everything he ever did, everything he ever has me feel and edger kente made m want to live. I just want to live, God damn it! My mind races. My body is restless. My toes tingle and my legs ache to move. All of me wants to be in constant motion. I do not know if it is the feeling of moving on or just running away. I will admit I am running away from my feelings for him. He pushed me away alright and he is going to push me away to another state, or even another country.
I want him. I just want him. For five months I have wanted him. I got him for two days. Two fucking days. But these two days I won’t forget. He made me want to live again.
I will forever be a dreamer. I dream of the future. Constantly. I dream of it with s fluttering heart and stars in my eyes. I dream of other countries. The beauty of Paris in the Spring. A bright sun rise that makes the colors of blooming flowers reflect on the tall structure of the Eiffel Tower. The slow, cold, winter wind in New York. Looking at the ever changing holiday lights strung up on every tree lining the streets as far as the eye can see. Seeing the shining colors bouncing off the sky scrapers as snowflakes fall on my eye lashes and melt on my flushed cheeks. The open savannah of South Africa, sun glowing on my exposed skin as I watch a heard of elephants cross my path. Admiring the elegance such a large animal has. I dream of the world.
I dream of experiences. Breathing through an oxygen mask as I float inside a water immersed cage surrounded by majestic sharks swimming around me. Seeing there deep eyes glare at my body invading their habitat with my presence. Dancing on a bar of a club filled with spotlights moving around in rhythm of a large crowds claps after having one too many beers. Outrageously laughing while I move my body to the beat of the fast paced music vibrating on my ear drums while I kick near by drink glasses and bowls of pretzels. Hearing the surrounding people cheer me on. Or riding the back of an elephant. Feeling the rough skin of it’s ivory on my legs and palms of my hands while I look out to the tall grass casting shadows on the ground. And walking up every single stair in the Eiffel Tower to finally reach the top just in time to watch the sun set behind the trees in the distance. Falling in love for the first time. To be able to look down at my ring finger, a diamond shimmering in the light, knowing someone loves me so much they want to experience all this with me. All of this and more.
No, the future is never promised. So I better not waste today. Never waste the day. Do not let the emptiness get in the way of living today. Do not let it run your life. And no, hooking up is not living. It is an excuse for not living. Hooking up does not hell today’s emptiness. It is just a temporary adrenaline rush of good feeling. But that goes away. Dream with me. Experience my dreams with me. Do not let the emptiness and pain of yesterday get in the way of today. Do not let it get in the way of the dreams of tomorrow.
Experience tomorrow with me.


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